


You Are What You Wear

by flaming_muse



Category: Glee
Genre: Episode Related, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-27
Updated: 2012-11-27
Packaged: 2017-11-19 16:58:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/575534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flaming_muse/pseuds/flaming_muse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine thinks about what he wants to wear and who he wants to be.</p>
<p>canonical, set within 4x07 (“Dynamic Duets”), no spoilers beyond</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Are What You Wear

The Dalton blazer Hunter gave him fits Blaine perfectly.

Well, not perfectly, because years of knowing Kurt have taught him about the importance of subtle tailoring and fabric choices, but as Blaine stands in his room the night of his visit to Dalton and finally slips the familiar garment on again after trying to resist it for an hour he is not quite surprised to see that it fits as well as it ever did.

Blaine smooths the lapels and takes a breath before he looks at his reflection in his mirror.

The blazer sits properly across his shoulders, the sleeves fall just so to his wrists, and as he draws himself up and slips the button through its hole he doesn’t wonder how Hunter got his measurements. He isn’t bothered by the way the rest of his outfit isn’t actually part of the uniform. He doesn’t think about how his shoulders drop back with remembered confidence.

Instead he just sees himself in the mirror, his old self, who he was before everything got hard, who he was before everything went wrong.

He sees the old Blaine, the Blaine who charmed audiences and friends, the Blaine who was chosen to lead the Warblers even as an underclassman. He sees the Blaine who was held up as example, who was an object of jealousy and of admiration, who always got his steps right, in and out of song.

He looks in the mirror and sees the Blaine who even this very day could get a group of Dalton boys - no longer his show choir or classmates - to rush to follow him with a look and a gesture, not because they had to, not because the in-group rivalries demanded it this week, but because they _wanted_ to, because it was him.

Blaine takes a shaking breath and has to look away from his own miserable eyes as his shoulders threaten to hunch once more.

It felt so good to be wanted.

They want him, and he wants to be wanted. And the thing is, he can have it. The blazer still fits, and he can wear it again. He can go back to Dalton where he is eagerly desired, if not as an official leader now that the Council has been disbanded and Hunter is in charge then as the lead soloist again, and he can have everything back: popularity, friendship, status and admiration without arguments within the group, without having to fight to be heard and share once he is, without people asking him about Kurt. He can just go back to being a leader of men in and out of song. He can go back to where he is wanted and missed, where he will be welcomed and accepted without questions.

He can go back to Dalton and be who he used to be.

If has learned a lot about himself since he took off the blazer to follow his heart, to follow _Kurt_ , so much of it hasn't been good. There’s so much in him that is ugly: jealousy, need, anger, despair, so many feelings clawing at him and making him hurt the people he loves and himself, too. Maybe it’s smart to go back to where no one needs to see beyond the surface, where he doesn’t need any of what lies beneath. He's always been better at surface.

Blaine rolls his shoulders, feels the pull of the fabric hampering him and remembers that feeling while singing, while taking tests, while laughing in the halls with his friends. It’s a little strange now after so long free, but in a way it also feels safe. With it, he knows where he stands and how he should be moving. He knows what he should be doing.

As he twists, Blaine’s eye catches on the reflection of Kurt’s picture, still in its place on his nightstand. He can’t put it away. He can’t bear the thought of doing it, even though the sight of Kurt no longer makes him smile when he opens his eyes to it in the morning but makes him want to cry. It's agonizing to see him and know he can't have him. But he can’t put it away, shut it in a drawer and close it off for good. He just can’t.

Kurt’s face is still, frozen in a moment of happiness long past, a ghost behind Blaine in his red and blue in the mirror, and Blaine can remember how Kurt looked at him when he was wearing the same blazer, his eyes filled with joy, with amusement, with hope, with gratitude... with what would become love.

Even when they had just been friends, Kurt had cared about his opinions, had wanted to hear his thoughts, and had loved spending time with him, hour after endless hour doing everything and nothing. And after Blaine had realized just how exceptional Kurt really was, Kurt had only given him _more_. Kurt had given him everything. Kurt had looked at him like he was special, like he was perfect, like he was worthy of everything he had to give.

But Kurt doesn’t look at him that way now. Kurt doesn’t want to look at him at all.

Given what he did, given how thoroughly he had destroyed the beauty of what they had because he was so very _far_ from perfect beneath it all, Blaine can’t blame him.

There’s nothing Blaine can do to get that back. Kurt’s not going to look at him that way again, and he shouldn’t.

Blaine turns sharply away from the mirror, unbuttoning his blazer, but his hands freeze before he can take it off. In front of him is his superhero costume, Nightbird, where he left it draped over his chair earlier.

He lets out a huff of disgust with himself. Superhero. No, he’s the farthest thing from a superhero there can be. Hasn’t he proven that? As good as it feels to dress up and pretend he has a higher purpose and a band of amazing friends at McKinley, it’s all pretend. It’s what he might want to be, but it isn’t who he is.

He might want to be a lot of things, but he is just Blaine.

He is the guy who does the wrong thing, who falls apart, who lets people down, and who hurts the person he loves the most in the world.

He is the guy who is left behind and lost in his ex-boyfriend’s school with his ex-boyfriend’s friends in a glee club being led by his ex-boyfriend’s brother.

Maybe it’s the right thing to do to go to Dalton for that reason then, too, he realizes as his stomach twists in misery and loneliness. Kurt doesn’t want to see him, and he said when they talked so horribly and briefly with each other that McKinley doesn’t feel like home because of him. So maybe Blaine should leave and give Kurt his friends, his school, and his memories back, too. Maybe he should just leave and give it _all_ back to Kurt. He shouldn’t take that from him, too.

Maybe it would be good for _everyone_ if he went back: for himself, for the unity of New Directions, and for Kurt.

Turning back to the mirror, Blaine lifts his chin and fastens the blazer once more.

He can go back to Dalton and be the leader of the Warblers. He can be respected and admired again. He can be confident. He can be accepted with open arms by the group, not because he used to be Kurt’s boyfriend but because he was and is Blaine, himself. He can go back to being who he was, the guy who was good enough for Kurt to fall in love with.

Not that Kurt will fall in love with him again, not that Kurt even wants to _talk_ to him, but the guy who caught Kurt’s eye was worth something, and Blaine now... he’s not that person anymore. He’s done so much wrong.

Maybe this is right. Maybe this is right for him, to leave and go where people want him for what he can do right instead of remind him of all he has done wrong. And maybe this is right for Kurt, for Blaine to slip entirely out of his life and back to Dalton where Kurt never, ever belonged.

Maybe they were always destined to fail, he thinks with a hitch in his breathing he wishes he could stop, no matter how perfect it had felt to be with Kurt, because Kurt was meant to be at McKinley, and he’s meant to be in New York, and Blaine... Blaine should be back at Dalton, safely contained behind the blazer and the crowd of Warblers surrounding him. He should be back with Sebastian and the others, who choose winning over true friendships, who don’t care as much about hearts as they do about trophies, because his heart is clearly just as hard as all of theirs, given what he did to the love of his life.

But they won’t care about that there, and maybe he won’t, either.

And the Warblers would be so happy to see him...

Blaine looks at himself in the mirror, smooths his hair, adjusts his cuffs, and forces himself to smile. It feels stiff on his face and goes nowhere near his eyes or into his heart.

It’s not real, but it _looks_ real on the surface and covers up what lies beneath, and that’s all that matters at Dalton.

**Author's Note:**

> I am spoiler-free. Please don't tell me anything coming ahead! Thank you!


End file.
